Reset

So, I am 6 days into my reset. Yesterday was the hardest day so far. Today was much better. I am concerned about the party on Saturday. There will be several people there that I dont interact with without alcohol. Not to mention I went and bought booze for the party, so the cabinet is stocked with the good stuff. I am not giving myself a bye this time, but I have concerns about my own fortitude.

The Poison Has Returned

I did reasonably good for 10 days. I would have continued were it not for the placement of my wife’s birthday. January 10 is a tough day to celebrate everyone is recovering from the holiday hangover and still resolute. My self included. She just wants to celebrate her birthday with a nice meal and a cocktail. Which is fine for her. I don’t operate on the ‘a cocktail’ level. I genuinely struggled with whether or not I would have a drink with her on her birthday. After much deliberation, I decided I would have a glass of wine, maybe two then return to program. Problem; once I decided I had a pass, all restrictions were lifted. Instead of just a glass of wine with lunch the day of, I preemptively had a stiff gin and soda the day before. Then, I went deep with a Manhattan prior to the lunch that I was only going to allow myself a single glass of wine at. I also has some more gin when I got home. Then some beers with a friend that night. Moderation is not an ability I have. The best thing to come of this is that I finished the gin, so that bottle isn’t calling me every time I walk by. I was punished for my deeds when I stepped on the scale this morning. I loved 10 days. I felt good. My resolve was strong and I was excited to see where this was going to lead. Now I am back at 1. I fucked that up and I am more disappointed with myself than I expected I would be. I will not drink today.

The Poison is Gone

I have been a full 7 days without a drink now. I have been eating better and stuck with my new exercise program. Physically, I feel pretty good. But mentally, I feel tired. I was a bit manic yesterday and I couldn’t focus. I would find myself thinking about my father a lot as my mind wandered away from the task at hand. It could have been too much caffeine but I didn’t have any past noon and I don’t feel like I had restful sleep. I had stressful work dreams. And, on several occasions I roused because I was pouring sweat. When my alarm went off I honestly felt hungover. I made it through a trip to happy hour, the weekend, and yesterday without questioning my resolve. Today might be harder. I will not drink today.

Assuming Success

I made it through my first day back at work without a drink. Truthfully, I didn’t want a drink. This will be much harder when I have a hard day, or even just a craving. I did pretty good yesterday, clean diet, reasonable workout, lots of water. I started a new tracking system where I rank my workout and my diet for the previous day, it calculates a daily total and color codes the calendar. I started to put a section for how much I drank then I thought better of it. When the goal is zero, allowing a ranking system sets up a measure for an assumed failure. I will not drink today.

Day 1

Not a real tough day. A little hungover, a little tired. Not super clean day of eating, but not bad. I helped a neighbor clean up a tree that fell on his house. It took about an hour of labor, I’ll call it my scheduled lifting session. I was tempted to drink the remaining champagne this morning. I dumped it out before I could bargain a little hair of the dog for myself. I will not drink today.

The Point

My intent here isn’t to get attention. Hell, this may only get shared with a couple people. What I am after is accountability. I say a lot of things about getting back in shape or moderating my liquor. But, as soon as it requires the tiniest shred of willpower I cave. I have been fat as long as I can remember. And drinking nearly as long. I lost, then gained, then lost some weight after college. But my BMI has never been better than “overweight”. I felt amazing for the 20 minutes I was no longer obese. I want that again.